Guest Blogger Rory Miller!

Anyone who has spent much time training with me has heard me yapping on about the book Meditations on Violence and how you should be reading it.  


The author, Rory Miller, came to Fit and Fearless a few years ago to give a seminar and I, happily, was his contact person.  We've stayed in touch since then and he's always been a huge influence on my training, as well as being an all-around pleasure to talk to.  I'm feeling all mushy now, so I'll shut up & let you get to the good stuff:


Meat

Parker wrote something a while ago, and it inspired me (which Parker often does...)
You can read it here:
http://txkrav.blogspot.ca/2012/03/dont-make-move-nah.html

We are all made of meat.  We forget that.  We live in a world where things don't seem to eat people.  Not being eaten feels normal.  And so we forget that we are made of meat.  And most of the time it is a safe thing to forget.  Maybe even justifiable. But when it becomes important, when the tiger leaps or the knife flashes up, damn.  Because we are made of meat.

We forget that, historically, the meat world is normal.  The safe world, where things don't wait in the dark to eat us, is new. So new it shines.
And we are programmed, designed, evolved to live in the meat world.  Our deepest programming-- fight, flight, freeze; eat when we are hungry, sleep when we are tired-- are all about being meat.  We are wired to deal with a world far more dangerous and violent than this one.  And that's a good thing, because when the safe world slips or shatters and what matters is blood and fear, we're kind of set up for that.  It is natural and if you let yourself be an animal, you have a good chance.  Your ancestors, after all, survived far worse.  You are the product of thousands (or more) generations of success.

But... as much as we are wired to survive in the world where things eat and are eaten, human survival strategy is to get along, to live and work in groups that can protect us by having a mass of people and a range of resources.  Part of getting along is to expect a nice world in order to create and maintain the nice world.  When things go bad, our wiring to survive (and sometimes even our training) comes in direct conflict with our conditioning-- the years and years of being taught to get along.

We interact nicely with the nice world, which allows it to be the nice world.  But the world will never be completely nice or completely safe, because to be the only nasty person in a world of nice people is a superpower.  The person who can operate at the level of meat has an almost insurmountable advantage over the person who can only operate at the level of feelings.

Embrace the nice world.  But do it as a choice.  It is not the only world or the only way to look at the world.  Get to know yourself as an animal.  Learn the world of prey and predator, where things are made of meat.  It _is_ natural.  And if you must go there, go with your whole heart and trust your DNA.

Rory
Montreal Apr 2012

An Update: I'm Tired

No lie.  Today about halfway during PT one of the instructors asked, as we cadets attempted to breathe and remain standing at the same time, "does anyone have any injuries?"


I seriously considered begging him to punch me in the throat so I could say yes and it would be over.  For once my brain overrode my mouth and I just said, "NO, SIR!" so the whole class wouldn't have to pay for my smart-ass-ness.


I have to admit, I had no idea how much education goes into a corrections job.  We study or attend interactive lectures every day for hours on every facet of the jail system, case law, the Constitution  It's quite fascinating, really, but I'm glad it's almost Friday because my head is so crammed full of new stuff that each new fact is having to work harder to squirm it's way into my brain.  


Every day they harp on honesty, integrity and professionalism and that makes me really proud to be hanging out with these people.


That's pretty much it...my whole life right now consists of studying, doing insane exercises invented by brutal Soviet scientists during the Cold War, studying, shining my boots, and studying.  


And now I must sign off, because I kid you not, it's time to study.  And then I have to shine my freaking boots.  


6 more weeks.

On Abject Terror

I usually edit these posts to within an inch of their lives, but I'm so pressed for time I'm just jamming this out, so good luck to me...


I've joined the cadet class of corrections officers at a Texas sheriff's office.  It's been a wild ride so far & I'm completely overwhelmed.  


But what I want to tell you about is an experience I had at the end of class today.  We do some sort of PT (physical training) every day.  This might be running, calisthenics, etc.  Today we did the big obstacle course.  Not the one I qualified on.  The big one.  


The big one that seems to confront every physical weakness and phobia I have.  And I don't have many, so it was particularly diabolical.  First we had to weave ourselves over and under a bunch of large horizontal pipes that were high enough off the ground for me to need to step on something to get on it.  Exhausting and very scary.  So scary that I was shaking by the end of it, because the damn pipes just kept getting higher.  My teammates helped by literally pushing me sometimes.  


We did other scary stuff that all required excellent grip strength and upper body strength.  I don't have that stuff.  So then I was REALLY shaking.  Next we had to jump over some walls.  Now I'm not good at that, but my friend Matt taught me how to do it, so I thought I'd be fine.  NO.  With so much adrenaline coursing through me I tripped at the top & slammed face first into the ground.  Shaking harder now...the little intermediate wall, I don't know what the hell it's doing there, it's only 2 feet tall (seriously) but my body was shutting down so - you guessed it - I tripped & fell on my face again.  I wish you could have seen the look of disbelief on my instructor's face.  Strangely, the 3rd wall was not problem.  


Then we crossed other hideous obstacles.  If they were high off the ground I shook uncontrollably & did it slowly or with assistance or both.  If they were not high off the ground I was totally fine.


Then I faced my arch-enemy.  The rope wall.  Just climb this little 20-ish foot wall, clamber over the log at the top & clamber down.  I have never ascended 3 feet up a rope wall, and it's not for lack of trying (net wall?  I don't know, it's a net made of rope).


The instructor said we didn't have to do it if we didn't want to (we were already well past time to go home & I think he thought I might be having a stroke), but that just made me more determined.  Because I am stupid.  So I climbed up, got to the top and froze.  I mean I froze in terror.  Not like "no one is going to ask me to the prom" terror, but "if I fuck this up I'm going die or spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair" terror.  My instructor was up there, too, trying to talk me while I just clutched the log like a baby monkey murmuring "ohGod-ohGod-ohGod".  


So he asked me, "do you feel confident?"  My hands were occupied so I couldn't choke him. 


"No, I do not feel confident!"  He told me to go back down the way I came.  This did not compute.  No way.  


The other instructor grinned at me from the ground & said, "hey there, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.


I thought of something my friend told me once.  I won't say here who it is, because it was a private conversation & he said not everyone appreciates hearing it.    He told me this:  nothing matters.  Sounds sad, right?  He said in 100 years we'll all be dead & nothing but a distant memory to a very few people.  In 300 years no one will ever know we, as individuals, existed.  So do what is meaningful to you right now and don't worry about what people think, don't worry about failing.  Because it doesn't matter.   I find this incredibly liberating.


So when the instructor said that, I heard my friend saying, "It doesn't matter." And I unfroze & let the instructor up there with me talk me through the rest of the exercise.  He is a very patient man.  


So, I faced my terror.  While we stood at attention for the lowering of the flags I was still shaking so hard my teeth were chattering.  I have a massive swollen green shin from where I fell at the beginning of the course.  I don't don't care, because I faced my terror. 


It may not matter, but it matters to me.


Btw, all the other cadets were incredibly supportive & cheered me on.  I overheard one guy say to another as I finished my descent, "I think I hear Eye of the Tiger playing in the background".  :)  I like these people.

Don't Make a Move! Nah.

I was about 17 years old.  My grandfather had moved out to the country, so far out that boondocks would be the polite term.  People in these areas often keep lots of animals, and most of the folks near him had a bajillion dogs, cats, chickens, fighting cocks, goats, etc. 


But one family had a taste for exotics.  They periodically had various creatures, but the permanent residents I remember were the golden eagle and the tiger.  I was always trying to get a peek at that tiger.

One day the whole family was away, and because I am a genius I decided to trespass on their property & see him close up.  He was pacing around his large covered cage, which was bound only in the kind of typical chain link fence that I could have easily escaped with moderate effort.  In fact, a couple of years later he did just that - but today was not that day.


Seeing me, he stopped pacing.  I crept slowly closer until I was touching the fence.  At that point he started rubbing himself against the cage, walking back and forth, so I did what he obviously wanted & stuck all my fingers through the fence & petted him, scratching and rubbing as he made each pass.  It was interesting to note that his fur wasn't soft, but firm with the waxy/oily feel of a dog that needs a bath.


After a few minutes he stopped & looked at me again, then he walked back behind a platform built for him to climb & lay on.  He peered at me from behind the barrier and like lightning jumped out & leaped straight toward me, slamming against the fence.  


I suddenly realized I was made of meat.


Did I run?  Did I get out of there as soon as my now-shaky legs would carry me?  Hell no!


I froze.  Because that's what people do when they're startled. 


Then I backed slowly away, apologizing to the tiger for bothering him, because in that moment the tiger was absolutely the boss of me.  


So often I've had students confess to me that during sparring, or practicing a stressful technique, or during an actual attack they simply froze and did nothing they were "supposed to do".  They are usually ashamed, and the higher the stakes were at the time, the harder they are on themselves.


The most heartbreaking instances of this are the assault victims who tell me they "let him" assault them.  They believe, mistakenly, that they should have instantly turned into Jason Bourne.  They believe, mistakenly, that because they responded by freezing, they are weak.


Hell, I have no idea if they're weak or not, but what I do know is that freezing is not a sign of weakness.  Freezing is a completely normal reaction to a new stimulus, particularly when the stimulus (attacker) is providing shock, pain, or the threat of either.


The goal in your Krav Maga classes is not to get to the point where you don't ever freeze, because the chances of that happening are slim indeed.  By that, I mean it's not going to happen.


So the goal becomes shortening the freeze more and more each time you experience it - and we're shaving it off by milliseconds at a time.  It's the reason the drills I make up often have a chaotic quality - I want you to become accustomed to assessing chaos & figuring out the best course of action as quickly as possible.


We'll talk about practical strategies for shortening your freeze another time.  For now, I just would like for you to accept that no matter how much training you have (and sometimes because you have training) an immediate freeze is a natural and normal response to a new threat.  There is nothing wrong with you.  


I know I've talked about this before, but it's still bugging me.


I can feel a new drill percolating in me for the morning class.  Start to think about how to escape a room full of people when someone is trying to prevent you from leaving.

Gimmie Your Purse!

Tiny Tigers

A 7 year old girl fights off an attempted kidnapping.

Since this event made the news last week, parents everywhere have been discussing the best way to teach their kids to defend themselves without making them terrified to go out into the world.  Some parents throw their kids into the deep end by just being completely honest about how brutally violent a predator can be, letting them watch violent movies with adults, etc.  

Others take the opposite view.  I was fascinated by one woman who posted that she completely shielded her daughter from any concept of violence or danger or "badness" in the world, in an effort to protect her innocence.  It reminded me of the young Buddha being raised within palace walls without knowledge of sickness or death.

As usual, I believe the best way lies somewhere in the middle.  I'm not here to try to tell anyone how to raise their children, but if you choose to prepare your kids to deal with the world as it actually is and not how you fear it is or wish it were, the difficulty lies in how to get the message across without freaking them (or you) out.

Having taught children in Karate and Krav Maga, I've discovered a few things you can do to help your kids learn.  Please take whatever you think you might find helpful, and feel free to add your own ideas in the comments.  Every little bit helps us raise our kids into strong, smart, confident men and women.  

*Make sure your kids know your full name, your cell phone number, and their home address.  Kids with stepfamilies will need to know both sets, and they can accomplish this at a much younger age than one might think.

*Have your kids practice dialling 911-send.  Turn the phone off first, so the call doesn't go through!  Then have them practice it under pressure.  That pressure can be you playing chase with them saying "I'm gonna get you!".  It's hard for them to concentrate when they're running & giggling & shrieking, so it's good practice.  You can also have them race another child who is dialling on another phone for a small prize.  That raises the stakes. The purpose of adding the pressure is the adrenaline rush makes one's small motor skills deteriorate.  This is what they will experience during a real event that's serious enough to warrant calling 911.  They must practice pushing 'send' after 911 if its a cell phone.  

*If they spend time in a day care facility that has the typical phone system in which one has to dial 9 to get an outside line, they should practice dialling 

9 911, too.  Adults should do the same.

*Once they've successfully "dialed" 911, role play with them.  You play the role of the operator and ask them questions like "What happened?" "Where are you?" etc.

*Many people teach their children not to talk to strangers.  It's a good idea to also teach them how to ask a stranger for help if they get lost or someone tries to harm them and they escape.  I teach my students that its safer to approach someone for help than to go with someone who has approached you.  Obviously not everyone who approaches you is a predator, but it's not uncommon for a predator to pretend to help someone they intend to assault.  That's why they're called predators.  Most people are willing to help if asked, and you stand a better chance of choosing an honorable person if YOU (i.e. the child) makes the choice. (See Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear for more on this subject).

*When my stepdaughter was young we had a password.  If someone tried to give her a ride home from school saying something like, "Your parents got into an accident and asked me to give you a ride to the hospital", she was to ask them "What's the password?"  If they didn't know it, she was instructed to run like hell.  Predators think of all kinds of lies to entice children to get close enough to grab.  Anyone who doesn't know the password doesn't need to get close when your child is alone.  Incidentally, it is crucial that the child understands that NO ONE should be told that word except for people the family has agreed will be called upon to get the child in case of emergency.  Not even friends and other family.  Sadly the most common assaults are committed by someone the victim knows.  My stepdaughter is 21 years old now, and I STILL haven't told anyone the password.  

*On a similar note, one of my adult students has prepared her family for a home invasion.  If someone comes to the door and this student says to her kids, "Oh, I just remembered I forgot to reset the timer on the microwave" her children are to calmly but quickly go to the downstairs bathroom, taking a cell phone and lock themselves in until she gives them the password to open the door.  I think this is genius.  By the way, that's not the phrase she actually uses, I just made that one up.

*Children need to be taught when it's okay to disobey an adult.  I"m referring to "NO" as a response to a stranger saying "get in my car" vs. mom or dad saying "it's time for bed".  Active disobedience is very difficult for kids who are not regularly in the habit of behaving this way.  Also, the rules on this are different in different families.   Think about where your boundaries are regarding your child's behavior.  What are your expectations of what they must endure to remain out of trouble and when can they say no?  To whom can they say no?  When can they physically resist?  Run away?  Strike back?  What kind of strike is acceptable for your child to defend himself (if any)?  Shoving?  Slapping?  Using a weapon?  

How about when the aggressor is not an adult but another child?  How much bullying (if any) should your child put up with before defending herself?  You don't need to labor through every possible scenario with your kids, but having a clear concept in your mind of what is acceptable will help you discuss these matters when the subject arises.

*Often the hardest part of having these talks with your kids is simply getting started.  I have a friend who starts by asking her son, "Hey, what would you do if..." and lets him provide the first solution.  This is awesome, as it gives her an understanding of where his head is at already, and essentially turns the talk into a brainstorming session with the kid.  Then instead of telling just scary stories about "what could happen" you're focusing on solutions, finding holes in each others ideas and using that space to create a plan.

*My experience with kids has been that they're not traumatized by talking about this subject.  Most traditional fairy tales are pretty graphically violent, so these aren't new ideas to children.  If you find that your child does start to get scared or retreat, stop talking about it for the moment and find another way to approach the subject.  It may help to have another person discuss it with them or to change the environment in which the discussion is held next time.  Discussing or role-playing and practicing with a sense of play can also help.

*Lastly, I'm going to recommend letting your kids give martial arts a try.  Visit a school that is convenient to your home and affordable and just watch a class. If you like what you see talk to the instructor about the school's philosophy regarding self-defense and fighting, discipline and self-control.   Many parents fear their children will become violent if they are taught martial arts, particularly if the child has behavior issues to begin with.  My experience has been the opposite.  Children with a healthy outlet for the natural aggression we are all born with learn control and self-discipline, in addition to learning to defend themselves.  If you try it and don't feel your child is benefiting, remove them from the school.

*Ok, this is really the last one.  You will notice in the video the girl who was grabbed didn't do any fancy ninja moves to disable her attacker.  She simply screamed and kicked with all her might. (Screaming, "He's a stranger!!" is helpful, btw.)  All she did was one of the most important things you can do - she made it not worth the extra effort to kidnap her.   She made a poor victim.  Nice job, kid.  

If you'd like more information on making sure anyone who attacks you is practicing poor victim selection, read my friend Jennie's post on the subject.


Regarding kids in martial arts, here's a little video of a 4 year old and a 9 year old being introduced to headlock from the side.  I told the kids they could hit me as hard as they wanted to.  Kids love to hear that.  Turn the sound up. :)

Request Backup

Let's just say you are walking to your car.  You're alone, and there's no one nearby.  It's dark...but did I just see someone hiding there...?


You get the picture, and it's creepy as hell.  If you're in danger and there's no one around to hear you scream or call for help, wouldn't it be nice if you could just push a button and someone would know you're in trouble?


I was approached after last weekend's ladies-only class by a student who showed me a new app she's created, and it is that button.  I am very excited about this.


The app is called Guardian Trace.  


So let's go back to that dark parking lot. Having previously estimated it would take you 4 minutes to reach your car, you had set your GT app for 4 minutes and kept your phone handy.  


That someone you saw...you realize an assault is about to happen...to you!!  


If you have time, you push the panic button on your phone, since you were clever enough to keep it handy and the app ready.  An immediate email or text is sent to whoever you wish to know you are in danger.  The notice tells this person (or people) that you've activated the alarm and includes a link with your current location.  If they click the link your phone's GPS indicates exactly where you are right now.


If the attack was a blitz and you didn't have time to activate the alarm, it will automatically send the email or text as soon as the 4 minute timer (or however long you've programmed) is up.


The GPS aspect is particularly essential if, God forbid, they are taking you to a second location.  


No, this app will not call 911 for you.  You should still do that if you can, and the person contacted by the app should do so as well.  


The usefulness of Guardian Trace, as I see it, is that if you don't have time to call 911, if you don't even have time to push a button, the app calls for help for you.  This is crucial when an attack is sudden or when you simply can't get your hands on your phone.


For goodness sake if you start the timer and you're safe remember to deactivate it or you'll scare everyone half to death.


Full disclosure:  As of the writing of this post I have nothing to do with these people, I just like the app.  

Guardian Trace is free.  If you just want email alerts, it stays free.  If you want text alerts (which I think seems like the way to go, since who knows when people will check their email) it's $10 for six months, and more for one year.  I don't remember how much more, because I bought 6 months worth of service.


If you're wondering if the GPS means Guardian Trace would make a good tool for stalkers, it won't.  The owner of the phone has to activate everything herself or himself, and you can't secretly put it on someone's phone.  So if you're looking for a tool to help you stalk people more efficiently, keep looking.