...about people who train in combat sports...about healthy aggression and how to use it to empower yourself and others.
Let’s change the conversation about women and violence.
Women can learn to defend themselves and others, let’s find out how.
I was about 17 years old. My grandfather had moved out to the country, so far out that boondocks would be the polite term. People in these areas often keep lots of animals, and most of the folks near him had a bajillion dogs, cats, chickens, fighting cocks, goats, etc.
But one family had a taste for exotics. They periodically had various creatures, but the permanent residents I remember were the golden eagle and the tiger. I was always trying to get a peek at that tiger.
One day the whole family was away, and because I am a genius I decided to trespass on their property & see him close up. He was pacing around his large covered cage, which was bound only in the kind of typical chain link fence that I could have easily escaped with moderate effort. In fact, a couple of years later he did just that - but today was not that day.
Seeing me, he stopped pacing. I crept slowly closer until I was touching the fence. At that point he started rubbing himself against the cage, walking back and forth, so I did what he obviously wanted & stuck all my fingers through the fence & petted him, scratching and rubbing as he made each pass. It was interesting to note that his fur wasn't soft, but firm with the waxy/oily feel of a dog that needs a bath.
After a few minutes he stopped & looked at me again, then he walked back behind a platform built for him to climb & lay on. He peered at me from behind the barrier and like lightning jumped out & leaped straight toward me, slamming against the fence.
I suddenly realized I was made of meat.
Did I run? Did I get out of there as soon as my now-shaky legs would carry me? Hell no!
I froze. Because that's what people do when they're startled.
Then I backed slowly away, apologizing to the tiger for bothering him, because in that moment the tiger was absolutely the boss of me.
So often I've had students confess to me that during sparring, or practicing a stressful technique, or during an actual attack they simply froze and did nothing they were "supposed to do". They are usually ashamed, and the higher the stakes were at the time, the harder they are on themselves.
The most heartbreaking instances of this are the assault victims who tell me they "let him" assault them. They believe, mistakenly, that they should have instantly turned into Jason Bourne. They believe, mistakenly, that because they responded by freezing, they are weak.
Hell, I have no idea if they're weak or not, but what I do know is that freezing is not a sign of weakness. Freezing is a completely normal reaction to a new stimulus, particularly when the stimulus (attacker) is providing shock, pain, or the threat of either.
The goal in your Krav Maga classes is not to get to the point where you don't ever freeze, because the chances of that happening are slim indeed. By that, I mean it's not going to happen.
So the goal becomes shortening the freeze more and more each time you experience it - and we're shaving it off by milliseconds at a time. It's the reason the drills I make up often have a chaotic quality - I want you to become accustomed to assessing chaos & figuring out the best course of action as quickly as possible.
We'll talk about practical strategies for shortening your freeze another time. For now, I just would like for you to accept that no matter how much training you have (and sometimes because you have training) an immediate freeze is a natural and normal response to a new threat. There is nothing wrong with you.
I know I've talked about this before, but it's still bugging me.
I can feel a new drill percolating in me for the morning class. Start to think about how to escape a room full of people when someone is trying to prevent you from leaving.
A 7 year old girl fights off an attempted kidnapping.
Since this event made the news last week, parents everywhere have been discussing the best way to teach their kids to defend themselves without making them terrified to go out into the world. Some parents throw their kids into the deep end by just being completely honest about how brutally violent a predator can be, letting them watch violent movies with adults, etc.
Others take the opposite view. I was fascinated by one woman who posted that she completely shielded her daughter from any concept of violence or danger or "badness" in the world, in an effort to protect her innocence. It reminded me of the young Buddha being raised within palace walls without knowledge of sickness or death.
As usual, I believe the best way lies somewhere in the middle. I'm not here to try to tell anyone how to raise their children, but if you choose to prepare your kids to deal with the world as it actually is and not how you fear it is or wish it were, the difficulty lies in how to get the message across without freaking them (or you) out.
Having taught children in Karate and Krav Maga, I've discovered a few things you can do to help your kids learn. Please take whatever you think you might find helpful, and feel free to add your own ideas in the comments. Every little bit helps us raise our kids into strong, smart, confident men and women.
*Make sure your kids know your full name, your cell phone number, and their home address. Kids with stepfamilies will need to know both sets, and they can accomplish this at a much younger age than one might think.
*Have your kids practice dialling 911-send. Turn the phone off first, so the call doesn't go through! Then have them practice it under pressure. That pressure can be you playing chase with them saying "I'm gonna get you!". It's hard for them to concentrate when they're running & giggling & shrieking, so it's good practice. You can also have them race another child who is dialling on another phone for a small prize. That raises the stakes. The purpose of adding the pressure is the adrenaline rush makes one's small motor skills deteriorate. This is what they will experience during a real event that's serious enough to warrant calling 911. They must practice pushing 'send' after 911 if its a cell phone.
*If they spend time in a day care facility that has the typical phone system in which one has to dial 9 to get an outside line, they should practice dialling
9 911, too. Adults should do the same.
*Once they've successfully "dialed" 911, role play with them. You play the role of the operator and ask them questions like "What happened?" "Where are you?" etc.
*Many people teach their children not to talk to strangers. It's a good idea to also teach them how to ask a stranger for help if they get lost or someone tries to harm them and they escape. I teach my students that its safer to approach someone for help than to go with someone who has approached you. Obviously not everyone who approaches you is a predator, but it's not uncommon for a predator to pretend to help someone they intend to assault. That's why they're called predators. Most people are willing to help if asked, and you stand a better chance of choosing an honorable person if YOU (i.e. the child) makes the choice. (See Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear for more on this subject).
*When my stepdaughter was young we had a password. If someone tried to give her a ride home from school saying something like, "Your parents got into an accident and asked me to give you a ride to the hospital", she was to ask them "What's the password?" If they didn't know it, she was instructed to run like hell. Predators think of all kinds of lies to entice children to get close enough to grab. Anyone who doesn't know the password doesn't need to get close when your child is alone. Incidentally, it is crucial that the child understands that NO ONE should be told that word except for people the family has agreed will be called upon to get the child in case of emergency. Not even friends and other family. Sadly the most common assaults are committed by someone the victim knows. My stepdaughter is 21 years old now, and I STILL haven't told anyone the password.
*On a similar note, one of my adult students has prepared her family for a home invasion. If someone comes to the door and this student says to her kids, "Oh, I just remembered I forgot to reset the timer on the microwave" her children are to calmly but quickly go to the downstairs bathroom, taking a cell phone and lock themselves in until she gives them the password to open the door. I think this is genius. By the way, that's not the phrase she actually uses, I just made that one up.
*Children need to be taught when it's okay to disobey an adult. I"m referring to "NO" as a response to a stranger saying "get in my car" vs. mom or dad saying "it's time for bed". Active disobedience is very difficult for kids who are not regularly in the habit of behaving this way. Also, the rules on this are different in different families. Think about where your boundaries are regarding your child's behavior. What are your expectations of what they must endure to remain out of trouble and when can they say no? To whom can they say no? When can they physically resist? Run away? Strike back? What kind of strike is acceptable for your child to defend himself (if any)? Shoving? Slapping? Using a weapon?
How about when the aggressor is not an adult but another child? How much bullying (if any) should your child put up with before defending herself? You don't need to labor through every possible scenario with your kids, but having a clear concept in your mind of what is acceptable will help you discuss these matters when the subject arises.
*Often the hardest part of having these talks with your kids is simply getting started. I have a friend who starts by asking her son, "Hey, what would you do if..." and lets him provide the first solution. This is awesome, as it gives her an understanding of where his head is at already, and essentially turns the talk into a brainstorming session with the kid. Then instead of telling just scary stories about "what could happen" you're focusing on solutions, finding holes in each others ideas and using that space to create a plan.
*My experience with kids has been that they're not traumatized by talking about this subject. Most traditional fairy tales are pretty graphically violent, so these aren't new ideas to children. If you find that your child does start to get scared or retreat, stop talking about it for the moment and find another way to approach the subject. It may help to have another person discuss it with them or to change the environment in which the discussion is held next time. Discussing or role-playing and practicing with a sense of play can also help.
*Lastly, I'm going to recommend letting your kids give martial arts a try. Visit a school that is convenient to your home and affordable and just watch a class. If you like what you see talk to the instructor about the school's philosophy regarding self-defense and fighting, discipline and self-control. Many parents fear their children will become violent if they are taught martial arts, particularly if the child has behavior issues to begin with. My experience has been the opposite. Children with a healthy outlet for the natural aggression we are all born with learn control and self-discipline, in addition to learning to defend themselves. If you try it and don't feel your child is benefiting, remove them from the school.
*Ok, this is really the last one. You will notice in the video the girl who was grabbed didn't do any fancy ninja moves to disable her attacker. She simply screamed and kicked with all her might. (Screaming, "He's a stranger!!" is helpful, btw.) All she did was one of the most important things you can do - she made it not worth the extra effort to kidnap her. She made a poor victim. Nice job, kid.
If you'd like more information on making sure anyone who attacks you is practicing poor victim selection, read my friend Jennie's post on the subject.
Regarding kids in martial arts, here's a little video of a 4 year old and a 9 year old being introduced to headlock from the side. I told the kids they could hit me as hard as they wanted to. Kids love to hear that. Turn the sound up. :)
Let's just say you are walking to your car. You're alone, and there's no one nearby. It's dark...but did I just see someone hiding there...?
You get the picture, and it's creepy as hell. If you're in danger and there's no one around to hear you scream or call for help, wouldn't it be nice if you could just push a button and someone would know you're in trouble?
I was approached after last weekend's ladies-only class by a student who showed me a new app she's created, and it is that button. I am very excited about this.
So let's go back to that dark parking lot. Having previously estimated it would take you 4 minutes to reach your car, you had set your GT app for 4 minutes and kept your phone handy.
That someone you saw...you realize an assault is about to happen...to you!!
If you have time, you push the panic button on your phone, since you were clever enough to keep it handy and the app ready. An immediate email or text is sent to whoever you wish to know you are in danger. The notice tells this person (or people) that you've activated the alarm and includes a link with your current location. If they click the link your phone's GPS indicates exactly where you are right now.
If the attack was a blitz and you didn't have time to activate the alarm, it will automatically send the email or text as soon as the 4 minute timer (or however long you've programmed) is up.
The GPS aspect is particularly essential if, God forbid, they are taking you to a second location.
No, this app will not call 911 for you. You should still do that if you can, and the person contacted by the app should do so as well.
The usefulness of Guardian Trace, as I see it, is that if you don't have time to call 911, if you don't even have time to push a button, the app calls for help for you. This is crucial when an attack is sudden or when you simply can't get your hands on your phone.
For goodness sake if you start the timer and you're safe remember to deactivate it or you'll scare everyone half to death.
Full disclosure: As of the writing of this post I have nothing to do with these people, I just like the app.
Guardian Trace is free. If you just want email alerts, it stays free. If you want text alerts (which I think seems like the way to go, since who knows when people will check their email) it's $10 for six months, and more for one year. I don't remember how much more, because I bought 6 months worth of service.
If you're wondering if the GPS means Guardian Trace would make a good tool for stalkers, it won't. The owner of the phone has to activate everything herself or himself, and you can't secretly put it on someone's phone. So if you're looking for a tool to help you stalk people more efficiently, keep looking.
This is what my friend said to me today on the phone about her painting classes. It's one of the 2,000,000 things I love about her. She's willing to suck at something, in public, to become good.
I feel her pain on this one. I started putting on weight in 2010 after dealing with a family member's crisis by eating lots of ice cream. I swear it made sense at the time. Then last year I had 2 surgeries & the not-working out and eating train really picked up steam.
That was kind of a disaster, so I've started working out regularly again & started taking Krav classes again, which reminded me why I love this stuff so much in the first place.
But holy crap do I suck. And when you go to class you suck in public.
Last night I went to class completely prepared to suck and was not disappointed, but oh my god it was so much fun!
Matt had us out in the dark choking each other against a storage container with an uneven surface, then choking each other on a table so we couldn't use our feet. We were on our backs on a table of upturned wooden boxes, the attacker standing in our guard & leaning over us choking us. Our feet couldn't reach the ground so they couldn't be used to generate power for the defense. Then we had to run a short distance (suck).
Then the fun began. We learned a couple of parkour jumps over the boxes we'd just been choked on. I have a massive mental block about jumping over things. I can climb a fence & jump over it like an 11 year old taking a regular short cut through the neighbor's yard (which I once was), but jumping over a solid object, even one much shorter than a regular fence is like facing a hungry lion after rolling around in cat food. I soooo did not want to do it. My heart was pounding in my throat and it was made worse by the fact that I knew my feelings were ridiculous.
Everybody else was flying over it like professional stuntmen, but I, um, was not. I wanted to quit, I just didn't want to quit in front of other people. So I kept heaving myself over. I wish I could have wailed each time just like Chewbaca, it would truly have completed the picture.
Then came this little exhaustion drill, punching endlessly, defending surprise chokes, running & jumping over the boxes & getting surprise attacked again. By my third round I was getting tired, too tired to be scared. So I just went up to the box & jumped over it like an 11 year old kid. HA!
The lesson, of course, is that the problem is all in my head. It's interesting how knowing that doesn't help at all.
Me and my super-fly friend who won't suck at painting for long.
I'll go through the same process of sucking again over and over until I reach some sort of internal critical mass where I just begin to jump without fear or hesitation. How many times will it take? I have no idea. I also don't care. What else am I gonna do, sit around and suck at this stuff?
While the investigation is ongoing, there is a chance that Esme Barrera's murderer has been found! The suspect in question was found dead after an apparent suicide. It seems his DNA has been linked to the crime scene on New Year's Eve as well as to a series of attacks last summer.
I read a story once about a woman who wrote letters to her future self & sealed them up with a "to be opened" date written on the outside of the envelope. The letters gave her future self advice and reminded her what it was like to be younger and still unaware of all the events that had passed since the sealing of the envelope.
Here one of my morning students, Miss Carrie, gives her younger self some life advice.
What would you like to tell your younger or older self?
Dear 16 year-old Carrie,
As I am writing this to you, you are 16 years-old. You are 16 years-old, and you hate your body. You cry endlessly about it, you starve yourself, you think no boy will ever love you and you look in the mirror and hate what you see. As your 29 year-old self, let me break some stuff down for you and drop some truth bombs all over this mess.
Look I get it. You’re in ballet and you will never be 5’11’’ and 103 pounds. You’ve always had hips, but that’s bone there, lady, and unless you saw them off, you’ll always have a bit of an hour-glass body, even at your thinnest. Maybe pursuing something that has a physically impossible standard for you to reach might not have been the best idea [you’ll never make the basketball team, either], but you love to dance so I get why you do it. And you’re raised with all the “beautiful” people on TV and their ridiculously thin bodies and they all talk about how it’s natural and takes really no effort. Well it’s not natural or effortless. I can tell you those people have nothing to do but to maintain that thinness, they sometimes use drugs to achieve it and at least half the celebrities you worship will be in rehab by the time you reach 29 with me. They’re also starving themselves just like you. Just wait until you see what they do to these “perfect” people with Photoshop. You’ll learn what Photoshop is soon enough. Perfection is a joke, there is no such thing.
And here’s the real truth: that is totally ok.
Think about all the time you’ve been wasting crying over how fat you are [which I have to say, at 5’4’’ and 110 pounds, is laughable, but teenagers are stupid. Sorry]. Did that do anything? Do you think your tears will shave down your hip bones or lengthen your legs or enlarge your hands? Why are you wasting time on the things you cannot change? Believe me, when you get into the world and you see how messed up some of it is, there is a lot of energy you can spend on trying to fix things you can actually change.
And those boys you’re so crazy over? Here’s something I know you won’t see coming: they love your butt. I know, that hideous thing at the back of you that no matter how much you starved yourself to get rid of you never could? Yeah, that one. Every guy you will ever be with will be borderline obsessed with it. You want to know why? Because it’s full and womanly, and apparently quite fun to play bongos on. So all these boys you think will never love you will actually love you for some of the things you hate about yourself right now. And if they love your body, why can’t you?
The amazing friends you have now will still be your friends in 13 years, so they are just as awesome as you think they are now. They’ll have spread all over the country [and world], but when you get together, it’s like no time has passed at all. You’ll make new amazing friends, too, people you share your soul with and they to you and it’s one of the best things in your life. And as much as you love them, they love you, too. For all the weird and wonderful and annoying things that make up you and I, they love you. I cannot stress enough to you how loved you are. And since you have impeccable taste in friends and trust their opinion, if they love you so much, why can’t you love yourself?
I won’t lie to you, you’re going to go through some shit. Some really bad shit. But you crawl out of the rubble every time. You’re a survivor and you’re stronger than you think. I’m here to tell you that you get stronger than you can ever imagine. You start taking Krav Maga and push yourself and where you used to pray for spaghetti-like arms, you will enjoy the muscles that you develop. Try not to pass out when I tell you that you will become 20 pounds heavier than you are right now. Ten of that is probably fat, you’re a woman and it’s natural [you also have a crippling apple pie addiction], but ten of that is probably muscle. It suits you. And beyond all comprehension, with that scary 20 extra pounds, you will love your body more than you ever had. Because it’s yours, you’ve put the work in and you feel the strength in you. It’s the combination of your inner strength and developing your outer strength. That +20 on the scale? It’s just a number. It means nothing, it is not you. You are strong and smart and funny and capable and you deliver a mean roundhouse kick. You will eventually stand up for yourself, not take crap from anyone and give back to the world around you. What is not beautiful about that? What is not beautiful about you? A number on scale? A dress size?
In short, just stop worrying about it, you’ve got far bigger fish to fry on this planet in whatever time we wind up getting here. You’re beautiful because you’re you. You may not be thin, but you are strong and that will carry a lot more importance to you as you get older, so try to relax. The world doesn’t end when you hit 120 pounds, or when you hit 130. And you’re actually really looking forward to turning 30, especially since you wasted so much time not enjoying or loving yourself through your teens and 20’s. So stop crying about it, eat a damn sandwich and be with the people you love. Make the world as beautiful as you are.
Oh, and don’t date a guy nicknamed Sleazy. It’s not ironic.
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