Awake

Quite an eye-opener tonight. I'm writing these little staff bios for the new Fit and Fearless website & I was interviewing Dr. J tonight after she taught yoga. She has really got it together, very insightful. She absolutely made the light bulb switch on in my head, even though we were talking about something a little different. She was telling me how yoga forces you to pay attention to just this moment to progress, & I realized that's been my problem lately in krav. You see, I'm progressing quickly in Crossfit & MMA - because I don't really care about them. I want to do well in whatever I'm doing at that moment, but past that I don't care - there's no agenda for "how I should be doing". I'm just having fun, really. But in krav I have a huge agenda, a definite idea of how I should be doing, and am very tied to the outcome. And you know what, I haven't had real fun in quite a while. And you know what else, I'm not progressing. The truth is, I'm regressing. My skills in both technique and teaching have been getting steadily just a little bit worse instead of continually just a little bit better, and that's just no fun at all. Mami K said to me a few weeks ago, "Who cares how long it takes? Just work on what you need to work on, who cares if it takes a year?" I thought that was a terrible idea! Turns out she was right. I think I'm going to stop worrying about how I'm doing & just have fun again. I hope I get to pass my teacher training test, but for now I just have to let that go and learn to enjoy myself again, both in training and teaching. To just GO. If I can't do that, then what the hell am I doing here?